Monday, November 25, 2013

Thanksgiving 101: Southern White Trash Edition

The evolution of Thanksgiving according to me:
  • Kid Katie: OMG THANKSGIVING IS THE WORST. I have to sit at the kids' table and attempt to eat the worst food ever, everything is gross.
  • Preteen Katie: This is still the worst, but as long as I can remember to stick a book in my purse, I won't die of boredom or rage. Rudely read during the meal, nobody (important) notices because no one can GAF about the kids' table, at which I still must sit with my super-sheltered cousins.
  • Teen Katie: Probably hung over, suddenly the food seems tolerable, I mean, at least turkey and mashed potatoes are basic foods and therefore edible. Most side dishes still seem suspicious and foreign. Gleefully use this day as a welcome excuse to freak out square relatives.
  • College and post-college Katie: OMG FREE FOOD AND SO MUCH OF IT. 
Suddenly, the food is delicious and I can't get enough. Now, Thanksgiving is well-loved in my home, and I'm excited every year for the epic eat-attack ahead.

We lived in Seattle from 2009-2010, and it was my first year away from people who could make this delicious feast for me. Like a baby, I ordered a fully cooked ham dinner from Safeway. By 2011, though, we were back in Austin (our adopted home town) and not interested in the expense or hassle involved in driving to our actual home towns for someone else to make us one meal. We also knew a lot of strays who weren't traveling home that year, so we decided to host our own Thanksgiving, free from political rage (normally provided by my well-meaning but infuriating extended family of 1%ers) and football games. I just hate football, it is the boringest part of Thanksgiving. Instead, I put together an epic playlist, stocked my fridge with Lone Star, bought several bottles of cheap red wine, put together a kid's table (with crayons, toys, and actual entertainment!)... but I was still pretty freaked out by the actual food responsibilities. I consulted the internet for Thanksgiving staple ideas and cobbled together a rough menu from websites and my trusty Betty Crocker tome. It was a decent success, and we had extra food for over a week. Now it's my preference to cook at least part of the meal because I like the control! Every year, though, I've had to repeat the research process, since I never have the foresight or discipline to keep my plans/notes.

This year, I'm planning my menu here for future reference as well as a resource for other Thanksgiving noobs.

Thanksgiving Staples

Turkey - NO


Truth time, this makes me a charlatan. I have never prepared a turkey. I just don't care about turkey, but even when I go out of my way not to cook one, someone is happy to show up with a bird anyway. My suggestion is to buy it fully cooked because it seems like a huge pain in the ass, this is confirmed by various sitcoms and watching my stepdad lose his damn mind every year.

Ham!

Ham is better, only babies with no taste buds prefer turkey to ham. Also, this is the south, so we are allowed! I buy a cheap ass (literally!) bone-in spiral cut ham from HEB and pop that sucker in the oven. Requires no effort really, which is perfect.

Mashed Potatoes

If you don't know how to make mashed potatoes, maybe rethink cooking your own Thanksgiving feast. Or cooking ever. Or just buy instant flakes and lots of Velveeta. Because, still delicious.

Green Bean Casserole

Preparing this in a non-white trash way betrays Thanksgivings everywhere. Buy:
  • Giant can of French cut green beans
  • Can of condensed cream of mushroom soup, the full of fat and salt kind
  • 1/2 cup milk
  • Canister of French's French fried onions
  • Salt and pepper to taste
  1. Combine the soup mush, milk, beans, and half the fried onions. 
  2. Spread this soupy green bean paste into a casserole dish.

  3.  Bake at 350 for 20 minutes, then sprinkle the remaining onions on top. Continue baking for another 5 minutes. Done!

Glazed Sweet Potatoes

No need to gross up this dish with marshmallows and other bizarre accoutrements like pecans, which are already too expensive (thanks, China!) and better used in a pie. Sweet potatoes just don't need to be pies or casseroles. Slice them or mash them - so much nom without a bunch of bougie fanciness.

sweet potato love

^Should specify to use four large, peeled sweet potatoes.

Cranberry Sauce

Straight from the can, into a dish. Slice up the can-shaped gelatinous mess you are only including because your amazing and deserving husband insists.

Stuffing

If you've been paying attention, you've noticed we don't like or cook a turkey, so stuffing isn't something that happens organically around here. Even as an adult that lurfs Thanksgiving, I still find this dish just unpalatable. If you're into that sort of thing, this recipe doesn't seem too nasty.

Gravy

Use a mix, quit making things hard. This is postmodern America! Food is supposed to come in powder form.

Rolls

ONLY HAWAIIAN EVER

 

DESSERTS ZOMG

Chocolate Chip Cookies
Cookie cookie cookie starts with c


Easy for Babies Chocolate Pie

  1. buy ready-made graham cracker crust
  2. beat 2 packages of instant chocolate pudding mix and 1 1/4 cups cold milk for a hot minute
  3. mix in 1/2 a tub of whipped topping, fatty
  4. spread in ready-made graham cracker crust
  5. top with the remaining whipped topping and chocolate chips, shavings, whatever
  6. NOM  
Pecan Pie

Apple Pie

Vanilla Ice Cream, only Blue Bell, because today we are thankful we don't live in one of those Yankee states that are forced to carry on without this ice cream brand's glory

After the Meal

Thanksgiving Scavenger Hunt/Turkey Trivia Game, via Pinterest

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/162059286561950780/

Answers

Outfit

Thanksgiving 2013


Thanksgiving Back up Outfit




DIY Centerpiece: $6 if ya crafty

via Pinterest

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/162059286564624915/
1. Carve, hollow, and clean pumpkin
2. Soak in diluted bleach bath and line insides with a layer of Vaseline and then a layer of plastic
3. Paint that pumpkin eggshell to show it who's boss
4. Fill with DIY leaf roses (see below)

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/162059286561950472/

Optional Appetizers 

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/162059286564374335/
 Would add some crackers instead of bananas and cheese triangle "points" at the end of the "feathers."

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/162059286562938638/

- Super big tortillas
- Package of cream cheese
- Diced pimento peppers, green chiles, black olives, green onions (~4 oz each, maybe fewer olives)
- Chipotle seasoning, 3 tbsp; hot sauce to taste
  1. Lay out tortillas face-open
  2. Mix everything else
  3. Taste it and adjust as necessary
  4. Smear all over open tortillas, then tightly roll
  5. Refrigerate for an hour
  6. Slice and serve

Playlist

The Staple Singers - The Weight
Elvis - That's All Right, Mama
Lou Reed - Perfect Day
Tom Waits - Come On Up To The House
The National - All the Wine
The Beatles - Two Of Us On Our Way Home
Sam Cooke - Bring It On Home To Me
The Roots - Lovely, Love My Family
 The White Stripes - We Are Gonna Be Friends
John Lennon - Stand By Me
The Rolling Stones - Brown Sugar
The Smiths - Back to the Old House
Arlo Guthrie - Alice's Restaurant
Check out NPR's 2011 "Songs for Stuffing" playlist. Someone was nice enough to make a YouTube playlist, helpful since the audio at NPR no longer works. Tracklist here. Not a great playlist IMHO - mostly just any song about food, it seems; however, you might dig it.

Just put on Miles Davis if you get stuck. DO NOT PUT ON A LOVE SUPREME. Coltrane is for Christmas!


Watch This Instead of Football

If you have to turn on the TV, here are some movie recs

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

I don't like it that much, but you just have to. Every year, no matter what. Sit through it. 

Home for the Holidays 

Robert Downey Jr, Steve Gutenberg, directed by Jodie Foster, yes pls
Not a scene from that movie.

Hey, guess what, this entire movie is streaming on YouTube!

Charlie Brown Thanksgiving

 

Get your historical facts all screwed up with this charming classic. Streaming on YouTube.

Son-in-Law


Crawl is a nightmare, and there is that red-headed kid with all the freckles.Instant classic.

The House of Yes

Chances are, your family is nowhere near as damaged as this one.Also, the anniversary of JFK's assassination always falls close to Thanksgiving, so watching this movie is multitasking pretty much.




Dutch

Dutch (played by Al Bundy) is a probably mob-affiliated construction king and blue collar champion who must set straight a prissy private school oppressor. He achieves this with violence, fireworks, prostitutes and porn. I cannot recommend this film enough, because it is full of so many bizarre scenes and bad advice for potential stepfathers that it is possibly the most entertaining thing I've watched in months. Steaming on Netflix.

Addams Family Values

 


This movie doesn't really need me to advertise for it, because it's accepted fact that this is a damn fine movie. You can rent it from YouTube for 2.99 (pricy!). Or, if you're a decent human being, you already have it on DVD and can just watch that.

Wikipedia has a whole convenient list and you should check it out: List of Films Set Around Thanksgiving

I made a playlist of Thanksgiving-themed specials. You can watch it if it pleases you:


Monday, September 27, 2010

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

August


This weeks craft :
Jessica's house @ 8pm Friday night!!

Okay ladies, so after much deliberation I have decided that I would like to make headbands at this weeks craft night!! I was out at San Marcos today @ the Icing and saw THE CUTEST feather headband and I yet again being cheap refused to pay 14 bucks for it! So although, I know we are all eager to start fall crafts I think that I'll leave that up to KT's craft next week! I really want to make some beautiful headbands to wear once school starts!

There are a TON of pictures on google of beautiful ones such as the one listed here!!



Supplies needed:
  • Headbands (walgreens has plan ones 2 packs of 3 for $6.00)
  • Feathers/buttons/anything else you'd like to put on there!!! Hob Lob has some really cute feathers. Plus if we all bring some i'm sure we'll have some to share , therefore allowing us each to make others without having a billion feathers left over!
  • Hot glue (as usual ladies please bring your guns)
  • Felt to match the color of your headband (guessing mostly black or white) for each headband you will need 1/2 a sheet of felt..so if you plan on making more than 2 headbands get numerous pieces of felt. The other option is felt on the bottom/paper (posterboard) on top...we'll have to play with it to see how it works..but I'm thinking 2 felt pieces will be the best.
  • beautiful smiles & attitudes!!
I have a back up idea too so if you really hate this as a craft (which i don't lol) then let me know b.c i also would like to make journals at some point!!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Instructions for This Week's Craft

Crock pot candles!!!! I've wanted to try this for a long time, so I'm hoping it goes well.



Two tutorials on this projects are located at Apartment Therapy and Jen from the Block.

Necessary materials:
  • A glass or ceramic container; smaller is better
  • Wax, soy or regular is fine. I'll have some extra but if you want more than one candle, or you want a certain color, bring your own
  • A crock pot, I know ALL of you have one, so bring it!!
  • Candle wicks will be supplied by moi
  • Bring any dye or fragrances that please you


I'm not opposed to using a double boiler for this project, but I sort of assumed nobody would have one, and I wasn't about to buy one. If you've got one, though, feel free to bring it!

This week craft night has a special guest: Alexis Kubiak!! I guess she's sort of subbing for Rana, who is on another vacation! Can't wait to her back with us next week. :)

Thursday, July 22, 2010

July Calendar

July 1st @ 8:00 - Mosaic Mirrors (or whatever) @ Jessica's. I will be supplying the grout , tile adhesive, and some colored glass. You will need to bring whatever it is that you will be mosaic"ing" :) . Also please bring some form of glass/ tiles to contribute. Anything will work, hobby lobby sells pre cut glass chunks for I believe 4.00 or so for like 16 little squares but to add DAMES uniqueness to the project I think old plates/ tiles/ glasses to be shattered on my porch with a hammer is much more appropriate.

Week through the 18th: Not observed, so bummed about this :(

Week through the 25th: DIY Trays @ Tyler's. Materials and instructions have already been posted.

July 29 @ 8:00 - Crockpot Candles in Teacups (or whatever small glass or ceramic vessel). Need extra crockpots, so bring 'em if you have 'em. Don't worry, we won't actually melt the wax directly in the pot, but inside the candle containers in the pot. You'll see!

Let's get the August calendar going!! The order is now Adriana, Jess, Tyler and Katie for that month. Pick your crafts now!  My craft will be either 3 tiered serving trays or knitting simple, thick cable scarves in honor of the upcoming fall months.




Crafty Roundup: Mason Jar Ideas

Just some things I picked up around the web. Instead of recycling, why not re-purpose? Any more ideas, ladies? Next post: wine bottles!


Mason Jar Organizers from Ohdeedoh and Martha Stewart

Mason Jar Soap Dispenser from Apartment Therapy


Cluster of Mason Jars Hanging Lamp from Design*Sponge


Single Outdoor Mason Jar Lantern from Apartment Therapy


Mason Jar Table Lanterns from Martha Stewart Weddings












Instructions for This Week's Craft

Poor Abandoned Blog!! It's been two weeks since we last updated this thing! Very sad. Even though it seems like everyone's a bit too distracted by summer to stick to the craft night schedule, I have a lot of hope that we'll get things back on track soon. In that spirit, I present y'all with the tray instructions; this craft is meant to be enjoyed at Ty Ty's lovely home, so I'll let her decide what day and time. Happy crafting!